Journal One

Literally, my dog just bit my hand and her tooth caught my finger and left a scratch that is bleeding. It's okay, I guess. I mean, she is a puppy. These things are bound to happen. Oh, I'm also watching Family Guy, which is always hilarious (true story). 

I'm tired and bitter. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded. I want to be spontaneous, I want to make a plan. I want a life without ties to others, I want to have life long connections with those that share a bond with me. I think I need to disappear for a while and gather my thoughts. I need to think and re-think everything I've ever thought about. I need to think about what I truly want in life. what I want to experience. who I want to see. who I want to spend my time with. how I want to spend my time. how I go about reaching my goals. when am I going to do these things? when am I going to let go? WHEN WILL I BREAK OUT OF THIS SHELL?

I keep pushing on the lid, and on the surface, it seems as though I'm making some headway, but I know that I'm not doing much at all. I know I will always keep myself locked in this forsaken mollusk. I hate sea-food. 

I want to be able to have a best friend, or at least someone I can always go to when I need to speak, or cry, or rage, or just sit and stare. I want to be able to go to school and be able to see the few friends I have without coming off awkward or over-bearing. I love talking to certain people, but in person, I can't seem to say anything, at all. and there are others, where I only want to talk to them in person and not have to worry about talking to them anywhere else. I'm a terrible person. I can't believe I said that, but it's just me being honest. 

Why did I start a blog? I'll never remember to keep up with it.