Journal Six

I am exhausted. I only have eight (or so) days of school left, which I am utterly appreciative. Now that I have started working at Forever 21 (Easton Town Center), I literally have no time for anything. I go to school, go to work, come home and do chores/homework, get a few hours of sleep, and repeat. Once summer hits, it won't be so bad, I hope, I really hope. I'm so run down that I'm getting sick. I keep coughing and getting really bad migraines. Working in the fitting room has destroyed my voice and being on my feet for eight hours a day have demolished my legs and feet. I wish I had no feeling right now. My tummy hurts. I just ate, and feel disgusting, I just need to stop eating. Anorexia would look good on me (inside joke - I AM NOT SERIOUS!) Summer is going to hit, and I'm going to lose my friends from school. I can hardly keep them now. What's the point? Really? My boyfriend is going to be on tour all summer and I'm going to be working. I'm pretty stoked I can work with my very good friend, Caitlin, and a James, someone I knew before hand from The Casa. I've seem to have already made a friend or two there, which is nice and I am stoked about. I'm just ready for a nap. and some cuddling. 

ughhhh.

Journal Five

I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish.

Some people wish they could morph into a bird, or any other creature with wings, and just fly away.

I wish I were a fish. 

I could stay in the water every second of everyday and be perfectly content. 

I wouldn't worry about becoming a prune. 

I would, however, contemplate the idea of battling a bear for my life when I swim upstream.

Which, I think, would be an interesting adventure saga that will be retold again and again.

Could you imagine? me fighting a bear, as a fish?! 

I would not lose, either. (Hopefully, I come into contact with a vegetarian bear...)

I would find a school of fish, but not a school just like me, a misfit clique, if you will.

Somewhat like the breakfast club, just less drama, detention, and jocks. 

and we might actually have a real breakfast, just saying.

Why not be a fish? Especially a salt-water fish.

97.5% of the water on Earth is salt-water.

and the Earth is 2/3 water.

It would be nirvana. Almost.

Yes, there would be danger, but what's like without a challenge?

Like I've told people in the past, and I will continue to tell others in the future, I don't do easy.

Easy is too trite. I need something electrifying. Something to get my blood flowing.

I'd probably be that neurotic clown fish from Finding Nemo that has to wrestle a shark.

Again, another interesting story to be retold.

The adventures would be endless, unless I was swallowed by a whale or caught by a fisherman.

but I'm much too smart for that, I would evade their tactics like a ninja, which I am. (pro).

Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish.

Journal Four

I think it's time I packed my bags, called a cab, and be on my way. I will travel somewhere quite. The mountains. I will surround myself with nature. I will touch the sky with my fingertips and feel the Earth beneath my bare feet. I will make a ca-coon in order to rejuvenate my ill, faded, tired body. 

I am sick of the trite, monotonous, disgusting lifestyle I come in counter with everyday or, at least, every other day. I find nothing satisfying within my eyesight, minus a few pleasant views. Actually, nothing seems to satisfy me at all anymore. I can rarely find a meaningful,  or interesting, topic of conversation with an intelligent friend that lasts more than a few moments.

Do you know what excites me? Performing, and watching others perform. I watch other percussionists, judge, and learn. I pick up new pieces to a never-ending puzzle and incorporate them into my forum, or make them my own. I religiously watch live performances, and hate leaving uninspired, it seems all to rare I leave wanting to play or emulate what I have seen.

 

I need this time away, away from everything. I have nothing, yet couldn't ask for more. Other than more time, but I'm sure everyone wants/needs more time; but, who really deserves it?

I feel like I'm rambling. Like that's a shock.

Journal Three

UGHHH. I am losing my mind. I completely do not know what to do with myself. 

I cannot seem to shut my mind off. It's killing me, slowly and relentlessly. I over-think every damn thing that pops into my head. I constantly critique myself, as well as others, when I know I shouldn't. and why do I do this? because I'm crazy. I don't know. I just can't seem to stop. I try to think rationally, reasonably, and with my mind (over other body parts, i.e. my heart). I cannot rely on what my heart wants or needs compared what is needed to keep my mind on a stable upkeep. If I fall once for something my heart suggest, I am weak. That's the way I see it. 

Yet, I'm crazy. So that must mean there is something wrong with my mind, right? so I should just stop listening to what my thoughts are telling me? What if my heart has a bigger influence over my mind than I originally thought? Oh dear God. It sucks that you cannot survive with just your mind or heart. and at this point, I do not know which I would choose...

DAMN IT. 

Journal Two

Oh, what a wondrous dream she has to grow, to learn, to live. A quick thought and worry that she might have to wander alone. If she must wander alone, then so she shall. A shake, a shiver, and a glance to her left. What does she see, but an animal with unconditional love waiting, an willing, to follow her into darkness. A smile from his face and a nod of approval. A sense of ill-belonging fell over her body as she walked along a brick pathway to a lonesome destination. Her mind swelled and she ran. She followed her feet along a snow covered cement walk to a valley of hatred, dirty-secretive words, and superficiality. A gracious pass from an on-looker gave her the strength to return to a beneficial, yet degenerative, places of intellect, and corruption. She sleeps with her eyes against the moon and her back pressed to the Earth. Super Tramp, she think with a hint of laughter. Her mind on repeat of events past and events still to come. Who will be there to listen to her feelings, aspirations, her worries, and her fallacies? Is this who she constantly seeks, but is seemingly right before her body? Unknowingly, she travels a faded trail. Full of ambition and wonder, she sets her heart to a steady pace, and runs...

Journal One

Literally, my dog just bit my hand and her tooth caught my finger and left a scratch that is bleeding. It's okay, I guess. I mean, she is a puppy. These things are bound to happen. Oh, I'm also watching Family Guy, which is always hilarious (true story). 

I'm tired and bitter. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded. I want to be spontaneous, I want to make a plan. I want a life without ties to others, I want to have life long connections with those that share a bond with me. I think I need to disappear for a while and gather my thoughts. I need to think and re-think everything I've ever thought about. I need to think about what I truly want in life. what I want to experience. who I want to see. who I want to spend my time with. how I want to spend my time. how I go about reaching my goals. when am I going to do these things? when am I going to let go? WHEN WILL I BREAK OUT OF THIS SHELL?

I keep pushing on the lid, and on the surface, it seems as though I'm making some headway, but I know that I'm not doing much at all. I know I will always keep myself locked in this forsaken mollusk. I hate sea-food. 

I want to be able to have a best friend, or at least someone I can always go to when I need to speak, or cry, or rage, or just sit and stare. I want to be able to go to school and be able to see the few friends I have without coming off awkward or over-bearing. I love talking to certain people, but in person, I can't seem to say anything, at all. and there are others, where I only want to talk to them in person and not have to worry about talking to them anywhere else. I'm a terrible person. I can't believe I said that, but it's just me being honest. 

Why did I start a blog? I'll never remember to keep up with it.