Journal Eight

Do you have something to smile about? What could that be, possibly? For me, nothing. I have not smiled in who knows how long. Not that I smiled all that much before, but still. It hurts to smile. It hurts my head. It literally gives me a migraine. I am drained. I am dealing with so much, too much, and in a week, I have to add school to my endless list of worries, stress, and unhappiness. Actually, I'm a liar. Right now, I'm quite happy. I'm having an enjoyable conversation via text messaging with a good friend about video games. I cannot wait to see him next week. (I love you, Tony). I'm also having a conversation about who is the better pokemon trainer/master with Tyler, and he knows I would destroy him. It's wonderful and nice. I feel like nothing is wrong at this moment in time. I'm also watching some good, old Nick at Nite. It always seems to cheer me up, it's incredible. I can hear thunder and see lightening flashing through my curtains. I'm not enjoying that at all. Sorry storm chasers, I don't mind taking photographs of lightening or sitting on a swing during a light rain, but thunderstorms are not my friends. I have more to speak about, but I feel the need to stop, before I make myself angry and my my headache worse.

Journal Seven?

Currently, I am listening to Empire by As Cities Burn, it just so happens to be my favorite song performed by them. 

I just bought 21st Century Breakdown, the new Green Day album, and I really love it. Each song seems to tell a different story, but they all are intertwined. I love how the end reflects the beginning. It's really a phenomenal album. Other than Know Your Enemy, I don't know what other songs would be considered "catchy", so I'm excited to see what other singles they put out. I'm hoping for Last of the American Girls. I like to tell people that song was written for/about me. I know it's not, but it's nice to pretend. 

I plan on driving to see Green Day and Maylene and the sons on disaster this summer. I also plan on driving to Cincinnati with my friend, Caitlin, in order to catch Warped Tour '09, which happens to be only 3 days before my 19th birthday. (August 1st)

I've never really been to Cincinnati or, at least, not that I can remember. 

I hope it's fun and not blistering hot like it was last year in Cleveland. 

The local act, Attack Attack!, will be on the tour, cannot say I'm stoked to see them... but it means that some of my friends will be at the show supporting them. I'm glad to hear that a local Columbus band is getting such recognition and support so early on in their careers. That's about all I can say on that subject... I'm a firm believer in not saying anything bad about anyone... It doesn't always work on my part, but as long as I keep those demons at bay, nothing can revert back to me. Karma? I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. 

Dan, and The Crimson Armada, will be touring around the U.S. this summer and their long awaited album, Guardians, will soon hit stores. June or July, I can't remember. I'm very proud of those 5 boys, and I'm glad they are able to receive some positivity while on the road. I can't say I'm excited to see Dan leave for what seems to equal out to 3 months, but I'm excited for the opportunities that await him and his fellow band-mates on the road.

Today seems cheerful with the sunlight. I think I will lay in the warm grass for a while and try to keep on this stream of positive thinking. 

Journal Six

I am exhausted. I only have eight (or so) days of school left, which I am utterly appreciative. Now that I have started working at Forever 21 (Easton Town Center), I literally have no time for anything. I go to school, go to work, come home and do chores/homework, get a few hours of sleep, and repeat. Once summer hits, it won't be so bad, I hope, I really hope. I'm so run down that I'm getting sick. I keep coughing and getting really bad migraines. Working in the fitting room has destroyed my voice and being on my feet for eight hours a day have demolished my legs and feet. I wish I had no feeling right now. My tummy hurts. I just ate, and feel disgusting, I just need to stop eating. Anorexia would look good on me (inside joke - I AM NOT SERIOUS!) Summer is going to hit, and I'm going to lose my friends from school. I can hardly keep them now. What's the point? Really? My boyfriend is going to be on tour all summer and I'm going to be working. I'm pretty stoked I can work with my very good friend, Caitlin, and a James, someone I knew before hand from The Casa. I've seem to have already made a friend or two there, which is nice and I am stoked about. I'm just ready for a nap. and some cuddling. 

ughhhh.

Journal Five

I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish.

Some people wish they could morph into a bird, or any other creature with wings, and just fly away.

I wish I were a fish. 

I could stay in the water every second of everyday and be perfectly content. 

I wouldn't worry about becoming a prune. 

I would, however, contemplate the idea of battling a bear for my life when I swim upstream.

Which, I think, would be an interesting adventure saga that will be retold again and again.

Could you imagine? me fighting a bear, as a fish?! 

I would not lose, either. (Hopefully, I come into contact with a vegetarian bear...)

I would find a school of fish, but not a school just like me, a misfit clique, if you will.

Somewhat like the breakfast club, just less drama, detention, and jocks. 

and we might actually have a real breakfast, just saying.

Why not be a fish? Especially a salt-water fish.

97.5% of the water on Earth is salt-water.

and the Earth is 2/3 water.

It would be nirvana. Almost.

Yes, there would be danger, but what's like without a challenge?

Like I've told people in the past, and I will continue to tell others in the future, I don't do easy.

Easy is too trite. I need something electrifying. Something to get my blood flowing.

I'd probably be that neurotic clown fish from Finding Nemo that has to wrestle a shark.

Again, another interesting story to be retold.

The adventures would be endless, unless I was swallowed by a whale or caught by a fisherman.

but I'm much too smart for that, I would evade their tactics like a ninja, which I am. (pro).

Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish.

Journal Four

I think it's time I packed my bags, called a cab, and be on my way. I will travel somewhere quite. The mountains. I will surround myself with nature. I will touch the sky with my fingertips and feel the Earth beneath my bare feet. I will make a ca-coon in order to rejuvenate my ill, faded, tired body. 

I am sick of the trite, monotonous, disgusting lifestyle I come in counter with everyday or, at least, every other day. I find nothing satisfying within my eyesight, minus a few pleasant views. Actually, nothing seems to satisfy me at all anymore. I can rarely find a meaningful,  or interesting, topic of conversation with an intelligent friend that lasts more than a few moments.

Do you know what excites me? Performing, and watching others perform. I watch other percussionists, judge, and learn. I pick up new pieces to a never-ending puzzle and incorporate them into my forum, or make them my own. I religiously watch live performances, and hate leaving uninspired, it seems all to rare I leave wanting to play or emulate what I have seen.

 

I need this time away, away from everything. I have nothing, yet couldn't ask for more. Other than more time, but I'm sure everyone wants/needs more time; but, who really deserves it?

I feel like I'm rambling. Like that's a shock.

Journal Three

UGHHH. I am losing my mind. I completely do not know what to do with myself. 

I cannot seem to shut my mind off. It's killing me, slowly and relentlessly. I over-think every damn thing that pops into my head. I constantly critique myself, as well as others, when I know I shouldn't. and why do I do this? because I'm crazy. I don't know. I just can't seem to stop. I try to think rationally, reasonably, and with my mind (over other body parts, i.e. my heart). I cannot rely on what my heart wants or needs compared what is needed to keep my mind on a stable upkeep. If I fall once for something my heart suggest, I am weak. That's the way I see it. 

Yet, I'm crazy. So that must mean there is something wrong with my mind, right? so I should just stop listening to what my thoughts are telling me? What if my heart has a bigger influence over my mind than I originally thought? Oh dear God. It sucks that you cannot survive with just your mind or heart. and at this point, I do not know which I would choose...

DAMN IT. 

Journal Two

Oh, what a wondrous dream she has to grow, to learn, to live. A quick thought and worry that she might have to wander alone. If she must wander alone, then so she shall. A shake, a shiver, and a glance to her left. What does she see, but an animal with unconditional love waiting, an willing, to follow her into darkness. A smile from his face and a nod of approval. A sense of ill-belonging fell over her body as she walked along a brick pathway to a lonesome destination. Her mind swelled and she ran. She followed her feet along a snow covered cement walk to a valley of hatred, dirty-secretive words, and superficiality. A gracious pass from an on-looker gave her the strength to return to a beneficial, yet degenerative, places of intellect, and corruption. She sleeps with her eyes against the moon and her back pressed to the Earth. Super Tramp, she think with a hint of laughter. Her mind on repeat of events past and events still to come. Who will be there to listen to her feelings, aspirations, her worries, and her fallacies? Is this who she constantly seeks, but is seemingly right before her body? Unknowingly, she travels a faded trail. Full of ambition and wonder, she sets her heart to a steady pace, and runs...